Explanation of the Rules:

*When you are asked if you have read the rules for this chat room that does not include this explanation section.  This is solely for those who wish to have a more extensive explanation.*

1. Over the years that this chat room has existed there have been thousands of people through it.  This is meant to be a safe place for all those with BPD and the job of the volunteers is made a lot easier if we are able to somewhat keep track of who is coming and going.  We ask everyone if they have BPD and we also ask them to read our rules.  You will be asked these same questions several times if you continue to change your name which will be irritating for you.  Also, we do eventually catch on when someone is the same person but has used many names.  We have trouble trusting those who try to appear to be someone they are not and if you keep using different nicknames we can't help but wonder what your intentions are in using this room.  Also, if you have something happen in the chat room that has made you feel uncomfortable, do NOT come to an op and ask permission to change your name for 'hiding' purposes.  The ops will help you however they can to face this situation and work it out but we will not condone hiding.  Some people wish to permanently change their nickname after using the same one for some time.  This is usually fine.  Just mention it to an op.

2. This was included in the rule section mostly for new chatters.  Sometimes people are uncomfortable in a room as busy as this one is at times, especially if it is their first time chatting.  We want to do what we can to help you be more comfortable with the group.  Please try to remember that the busier the room is, most likely this also means that the ops are busier.  Ops are usually dealing with administrative type things while in chat as well as helping people who are needing all sorts of help.  Yes ops can private message with you if you're not feeling comfortable with a busy room full of people.  We do try to reserve this time for private discussions between ops and others for the newer chatters who have not yet had a chance to form friendships with others.  Ops will encourage new chatters to find others to talk to as well.  We are not being mean or saying that we don't want to talk to you.  What we are doing is trying to facilitate a bigger comfort zone for those who may end up comfortable with only that one op who they've talked to.  This is a group and we do our best to facilitate positive group discussions as opposed to a lot of one on one.  If someone new would like to talk about something in the room and are shy to bring it up themself, by all means, tell an op and we'll bring it up for you.  We are very good at directing conversation when it has gone in all sorts of directions.  We don't like to see new people sitting back and barely taking part in idle chatter when there is something they really would like to talk about.  We will do what we can to help.

3. Most of the people who use this room have a psychiatrist or therapist.  They may have become used to discussing some pretty heavy issues.  That does not make it okay for a chat room.  We are not trained professionals.  Even if there are trained professionals in the chat room, they are using it only for the purpose of their own support.  Yes, some therapists have BPD too.  So, we are not going to discuss topics like sexual or physical abuse.  We are not going to recommend a course of treatment for you.  We are not going to encourage you to or help you to diagnose yourself.  When we ask if you have BPD that does not mean that if you have not been formally diagnosed that you're not allowed to use this room.  If you have read the criteria and other information about BPD and are saying to yourself, "Oh my goodness, that is me!" then this room is for you.  It means you identify with all the same things as those with the formal diagnosis.  It means you have found a place to talk about all these things that you may be having a lot of trouble understanding.  New people often come in feeling so many different things.  On one hand they are so confused about BPD, but then they have found this support group and may feel like they've found 'their answers'.  This leads to them asking a lot of questions that we are not equipped to answer.  This isn't a classroom.  Please don't take out your notebook and ask us to teach you in that way.  There is so much here that I could say just isn't right for discussion in this room but instead of listing everything I can think of I'm instead going to ask you to trust the ops if they tell you that the questions are inappropriate.  I'll give you one example just to give you an idea.  "Which form of therapy is the best for BPD?" - This is NOT okay.  However, asking someone "Which kind of therapy do you do, and is it helping you?" - This is a wonderful and very appropriate question.  And about medical advice...... Yes I know that many people who chat here have educated themselves extensively.  This does not make anyone a doctor, and even if you are a doctor, this is not a place to practice.  I have watched so much incorrect information go through the chat room over the years.  It makes me cringe.  I am not going to go into *what exactly* could happen as a result of incorrect information because there is just too much.  Some people who come here are very vulnerable and impressionable.  What you thought was a simple conversation could lead someone else to buy a certain medication over the internet and try it out because they are under the impression it would be a good idea as a result of a conversation in the chat room.  There are LETHAL DRUG INTERACTIONS and ONLY a doctor who knows that person's medical history should be prescribing.  I know that no one intends to cause anything dangerous but we have no idea what goes through the minds of others.  This is the internet.  We do not know these people anymore than who they say they are.  If the words sound like something that you would hear from your doctor or therapist or pharmacist while having a discussion with them about therapies of any sort, then it's not appropriate for this chat room.  An op will let you know if you've gone over a line when having a discussion that is on the border.  Please respect them if they need to speak up.

4. This is not a place to have a discussion/debate about religion.  We have people who use this room that have a number of different religious beliefs, and some have no beliefs at all.  Some have a hatred for anything that resembles religion.  There will be no religious discussions tolerated.  People get hurt.  There is no way to decide who is right or wrong because you are all right in your own beliefs.  This isn't a math equation, there is no *right* answer.  There is no need to impress one person's beliefs upon another person.  There is no need to bring up a topic that for some is held very dear and for others is despised.

5. This is not a dating service.  I understand that a two people may find each other interesting and engage in discussions together.  This is fine.  This is getting along with someone and developing a friendship.  If two people become intimate or involved in this intimate kind of relationship via this chat room it's not something that can be controlled necessarily.  What will not be tolerated is this turning into a drama.  If something is kept quietly between two people that is one thing.  If it becomes something that others know about, this is considered turning it into a drama.  I have watched too many bad situations unfold for me to be willing to tolerate these situations.  This is a room for BPD support.  It is not a dating game.  There are many vulnerable people who use this room.  Relationships are one of the biggest triggers and obstacles for those with BPD.  This room is for promoting a healthy lifestyle, not encouraging the emotional pain that we've all been subject to too many times.  Please do take note that anyone who is in private message and not talking in the main room will be *strongly encouraged* to take part in the discussion in the main room.  I will do what I can to discourage intimate relationships forming.

6. This is a support *group*.  In real life if you went to a support group you would not sit among everyone but only talk to the person sitting beside you.  I realize that we all meet some people in this group who we get along with very well, however, when you enter the room you are there because you want to be with the whole group.  If you want to only talk with one person for a while you will need to leave the room to do that.  I know some of you are using the chat from the webpage and are unable to leave the main room and remain in private message.  You will need to either get an IRC client or use another form of instant messaging.  It's not our job to teach you how to do that.  I'm sure some people will be happy to help you but it's not our responsibility.  While in the main room you are expected to take part at least somewhat.  As a courtesy ops will often call your name to see if you are paying attention if you haven't said anything for a long time, but this is only a courtesy.  It is not a requirement.

7. Many times I've had people come to me to say "but some swear words are worse than others so why can we say these ones but not other ones?"  Well, it has nothing to do with what can be said on TV or radio, or what one person thinks is worse or better.  It has nothing to do with us all being adults and should be able to say anything we want.  It has nothing to do with 'but I'm really angry and just venting'.  There are a few swear words allowed and a limit was decided on.  That limit is because we are asking you to think before you push enter on your keyboard.  In real life a lot of us are not able to handle conflict or confrontation.  A lot of us still have a way to go on improving our interpersonal skills.  We are asking you to use this as a practice ground.  A safe place to practice appropriate communication.  One thing we've done is found a way to help you stop and think before the words come out.  In real life we too often spew out the first words that come to mind and I think many of us have later regretted some of the things we've said.  With a rule that stops people from blurting out the first words that come to mind we will hopefully find people considering their words more carefully, even if only to avoid the profanity that isn't allowed.  This could very possibly lead to developing a habit of considering all of one's words before they come out.  What a lovely thing this would be.  Sure, in the chat you're only watching your language, but changing our behaviours always needs a first step.

8.  Your nickname does not have to be 'cheerful', but we do not allow nicknames that break any of the rules for the chat room.  Sometimes there is a fine line on a name.  I assure you that you will not be asked to change your nickname unless it's really necessary.  We know that your choice of name to use for yourself is a personal decision and it means something to you.  We do our best to respect that.

9.  I have watched way too many dramas unfold that started out as 2 people often talking in private message.  Relationships develop and then they go bad.  Well then you have those two people each speaking with other online friends from the chat room and next thing you know half the room has become involved in a gossip relationship drama.  I've watched hateful things get said back and forth about the 2 people originally involved and no one knows the truth in the end.  Many people get upset and it takes a long time to settle down.  If gossip or knowledge of intimate relationships forming gets to a moderator of the chat you can consider it to be a big deal and will NOT be tolerated.  Depending on who is involved and the circumstances surrounding it, there will definitely be repercussions, and they may be extensive.

Inappropriate Discussion Topics:

- Suicidal behaviour/ideations - We understand that this is a large element of BPD and we are not in any way trying to judge your behaviours or thoughts.  This is simply something that a support group online is completely unable to deal with.  If someone came online and claimed to seriously be suicidal, there is nothing we can do.  We are not next to that person in real life.  If someone has suicidal ideations, again, there is nothing we can do.  I have watched the results of these types of discussions many times in many different support groups online and the outcome is always the same.  People get upset while they are trying so very hard to convince the person that life is worth living.  Trying to convince someone who they have never met that they have things to live for.  All the while we are feeding into the cravings for attention that are a key element of the person with BPD.  I am not saying that it is *all for attention* but I am saying that suicidal behaviour tends to receive a lot of attention if it is allowed to take center stage.  I have also, too many times, seen the suicidal person make a sudden and dramatic exit.  So, now we have spent a long time trying so very hard to help someone who seems to be in a huge amount of emotional pain and *poof* they're gone.  "Oh my gosh! Did they go kill themself?"  I am not willing to entertain this.

- Self Injury - Very similar reasons for this as above with the suicidal behaviours.  One reason (not the only reason by far) for self injury is for attention.  I have BPD, and I have previously hurt myself for the attention of certain people.  This is not me judging anyone's reasons, my own included.  This is me pointing out that it is a behaviour inappropriate for a support group that is doing its best to encourage positive change.  If a person is permitted to discuss self injury, the desire to self injure, and previous self injury, we will end up with the following: The person who wants to self injure will only have that reinforced with the discussion about it.  Discussing previous self injury makes many people in the room want to be *the worst borderline*.  I have watched these outcomes many times.  Bringing up all those old 'war stories' of self injury only send us back there in our minds.  Like the alcoholic who's in recovery......thinking about drinking brings back cravings.  For some of us, self injury is a craving (desire, urge, etc) and I do not care to provide a place that only brings us to that place in our minds.  It would be like running an AA room and serving beer.  You are, of course, always permitted to discuss ways of stopping this behaviour.  A positive discussion condoning good changes will never be stopped by an op.

- Verbal Abuse - We make this chat room as safe as we are able.  No one will verbally attack someone without being reprimanded and/or asked to leave.  Everyone in this group deserves respect.  We are all fighting similar struggles and we do not need to fight against each other when we are only trying to get and give support. 

- Drinking/Drug Use/Self Medicating - We are not going to encourage these negative behaviours.  Yes I know very well why we do them.  I know that there is a lot of emotional pain that we are trying so desperately to erase, even if only for a little while.  That pain cannot be erased by getting drunk or high.  To get into discussions about being under the influence only brings back to our minds that we can 'run away' with the help of alcohol/drugs.  In the end this will only make the problem worse and we can't run forever.  This chat room has been made into a place for only those with BPD.  We understand your struggles.  We are asking that you trust us even just enough to be sober while you're with us and to not indulge in your fantasies of being drunk or high while you're here.  It isn't going to help anyone.  You will be asked to leave if it is discovered that you are drinking while in the room or using drugs or self medicating.

- Reckless and Self Destructive Behaviour - We are not going to listen to anyone talking about how bad they can be, or the bad things they've done.  This group is about positive change, not about damaging ourself or others in any way.  We will not encourage these behaviours.

- Outside Disagreements - If you and another chatter talk to each other outside the room and have had an argument do not fight with each other over it in the chat room.  That is not fair to anyone else in the room.  It creates a lot of tension and people become very uncomfortable.  If people get into an argument in the chat room over something that happened in the chat room, that is something the ops will attempt to help you resolve.  If it is something that started outside the room it needs to get resolved on your own time.  If two people are unable to stop arguing with each other in the room during one of these situations, they will both be asked to leave until they can handle being there.  No one is going to decide who is right and who is wrong and only ask one of the two people to leave.  They will simply both have to go until they have settled down.

- Offensive Quit Messages - A quit message that breaks a rule is not allowed. 

- Topics best discussed with your Therapist or Psychiatrist - You know how you feel after leaving a session with your therapist.  Sometimes some very heavy issues come up and your therapist's office is the place for this type of discussion.  They are trained in how to handle this type of discussion.  They know which direction to go with you and when you are at a place that you need to have a rest from the topic.  After an hour of talking with your therapist they are able to wrap things up in a fairly appropriate way.  Yes you have probably left your therapist's office feeling very sad and depressed but they have done what they are able to do in order for the topic to be 'wrapped up' until you two meet again.  In a chat room you will find that topics change quickly sometimes.  We are unable to give you that solid hour to process such intense discussions.  Also, your therapist is someone who you've built a trust with.  Someone who you've gotten to know and you are comfortable discussing issues like sexual abuse with.  Topics like this are not to be taken lightly and it's not appropriate to discuss them with people who you've only just met or only know via the internet.  I realize that we have all made some good friends online, but then if you wish to talk to one of your good friends online about it, this should be done privately.  Kind of like when you phone your real life friends to talk.  One would not bring up a very sensitive issue over coffee with a group of people one hardly knows in real life....so let's not do it here either.  Also, see #3 above for further clarification on this subject.

- This chat room  has been online a long time.  A lot of people have come and gone.  We all miss people who we made friends with and then they are gone for whatever reason.  It's okay to say you miss someone, or to ask if anyone has seen someone.  It is not appropriate to go into details about someone else.  If someone asks about a chatter it's okay to say "so and so has moved and doesn't have a computer right now".  It is not okay to say "so and so has moved to San Diego and won't have a computer for a while."  Even LESS appropriate to proceed to share person information such as phone number or address in that conversation.  I realize there are groups of people who are close to each other as a result of meeting in this chat room and they don't like to be left out in where their friends have gone.  This is acceptable.  So if jimmy and kimmy and timmy are friends and timmy seems to be *missing* then maybe just jimmy and kimmy could discuss this together via private message.  It's not appropriate to involve the entire group in a discussion of 'where has timmy gone?'.  Let us also remember that a lot of information that people may think is 'common knowledge' in fact is not.  There have been relationships that have formed as a result of meeting people here in this chat.  It is not appropriate to discuss who has gone to visit whom or who is involved intimately with whom.  When two chatters show up on the same computer to visit in the chat, they have now made this common knowledge that they are visiting.  However, even by doing this they have not decided to tell anyone the details of their relationship.  It's not anyone else's job to share those details for them.

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