About Tim

I have reached my limits. I have stepped down as Webowner and Webmaster. After 10 yrs it has been to much of a strain on me. My Panic disorder and mania have taken their toll on me. I have handed the site over to my wife Andrea. Its all hers now. I will still OP as a volunteer on the BPD bulletin board. If something highly technical comes up I will try and fix it. It still has my name as the owner but I have nothing to do with it any more. I'm just too burned out now.

I was adopted at age 6 weeks old. All of my siblings are adopted also (1 brother, 2 sisters). 

My rages started at age 2. After multitudes of both psychiatric and neurological workups over the next 5 years by Michigan State, Illinois State and Wake Forest University I was given the non diagnosis of BPD (because of age). I also showed inconclusive results of seizure activity during these rages.

I have always experienced depression. At age 13 I began experiencing Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and suffered severe Panic Attacks which aggravated my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). This disabled me completely. My parents tried everything including home teaching. At this time I started seeing a child psychiatrist who tried me on many different medications. I was left taking Nardil and Ativan which helped somewhat.

From age 15 to 19 I had 3 short term and 2 long term Psychiatric Hospital stays. Luckily the first long term stay (18 months) had an on-grounds school. I made it to the 11th grade. My GAD and panic attacks disabled me again, so this time I was hospitalized for 2 ½ years. I worked in the Medical Library, which I believe had an impact on me as later in life as I became a nurse. I also was able to get my G.E.D there.

I was 19 when my family moved to Northern California from North Carolina. I was trained as a chef first and later trained cooks and preps for restaurant chains. I worked as a CNA (Nurses Aide), and then went through Nursing School. I began to work as a nurse and my life "settled down." I enjoyed the frantic pace of Nursing.

My alcoholism began at age 28. I was on a roll. I met a few more. What should of been one night stands became 1 yr relationships. I was a functioning alcoholic. Though in complete denial at the time.

I moved to Oregon in 1990. After 10 yrs I was burned out on nursing. I had hoped my move would renew my interest. My alcoholism spiraled deeper. Bingeing on weekends was no longer enough. I was a "blackout" drinker from day one. I lost a week to a blackout and quit nursing. I knew I would be a danger to my patients so I ended my career as a nurse and worked as a Motel Clerk.

I began AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I just didn’t "get it" at first. I went in and out of the doors for 6 ½ yrs., getting 1,2, or 3 months sober at best. I knew I needed AA. It wasn't until I was robbed stabbed and mugged in a complete blackout that I knew I wanted AA. I finally let go of my rationalizations and am proud to say I have been sober for 8 years plus. And currently maintain the website for  AA District.

I became totally disabled at this time (1995), diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), GAD, Panic Disorder, Depression, SAD, (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and IBS. I ended up homeless for a month until my family rescued me while I waited for disability. The only thing I can say I did right, was I kept going to AA.

During this period, some people in AA were able to help me get in touch with an adoption support group in Massachusetts. Through them I found out how to petition the court in Michigan and got in contact with my birth mother. After writing and talking on the phone with her, we had a wonderful reunion a year later. We speak weekly. She and her husband attended my wedding in 2002.

After finally receiving disability, I got a used computer and started building servers for a local computer contractor. I only had the internet thru the local Library. As I started reading about BPD I taught myself HTML. Thus began the Sanctuary as you know it today. 

I had been on Nardil and Ativan since age 13. At age 35 a Dr. who finally put me on the correct medications for my GAD and PD. My life changed dramatically. I no longer had Panic Attacks. Eventually the medications effectiveness slowed. And the panic attacks came back. I'm still highly functioning, but have extreme difficulty with traveling and stressful situations. A lot of my recovery has come from AA. Accepting who I was. Learning to live on life’s terms. I had to decide not to live my life crisis-oriented and to consciously plan things out. I had to recognize my self-sabotaging behavior. I've have found that service work in A.A. has helped me immensely. 

I do believe I was misdiagnosed earlier and that the PTSD was actually BPD. My doctor agreed to start me on Tegretol. Between the medications and the doing 12 steps daily I am symptom free. If you look at the 12 steps on a psychological levels it is a combination of Psychodynamic and Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

I know what it feels like to have a relationship with a sufferer of BPD and bipolar. I had a disastrous  relationship with a women. She was untreated other than an antidepressant she was taking. She would rage like clockwork every night at 10 p.m. Despite the medication her rages continued along with her paranoia. So I know what it feels like to be hit, or to have a full coffee cup shatter on the wall. I have been hit, and I have had the emotional and mental abuse even after the relationship has ended. Despite moving to a different state and even with a restraining order, she has continued to hound me.  I still get nervous every time answering the phone checking mail and email.

Today I realize the importance of family (both adopted and birth). I talk regularly to my families.

Today I live near my wonderful step daughter and son in law in Yakima Wa. I have 4 wonderful grandsons. And another due in May. My first granddaughter couldn't say grandpa. So she started calling me "paga".  19 yrs later and I'm still Paga. Today I have the privilege of being part of their daily lives. 

My daughter introduced me to one of her friends. We had seen each other a couple of times during group outings with the families. I asked her out. By the second date I was looking at engagement rings. After the 3rd date I purposed. 

Andrea and I had a large white wedding in my daughters garden Oct. 5th. 2002. You can read more on the wedding page and view the album. 

Our first child Natalie Jean-Mardell was born September 9th 2003 in Seattle. She was then transferred to Children's Hospital where she had her first surgery. You can read more about her here. I absolutely relish being a dad and a husband. My girls are the most important thing in my life. 

As you can see she got my lips, ears, hands, feet and coloring I'm thankful she didn't get my nose. Every morning I wake up and realize how blessed I am that god has put the my wonderful wife in my life. We are currently pregnant with child number 2+. I say + because Natalie started out as 3 or 4 babies, but we lost the others in the 2nd month. So we might be having more than one at once. We have had 2 miscarriages, 1 at 10 weeks, 1 at 5 weeks.

I had always picked out abusive women in the past. I tried something different, instead of listening to myself I listened to my daughter and wife's best friend. And was able to meet the women of my dreams. I now have a wonderful life.  We live in a rural farming community in Washington. We have 3 cats and 2 dogs (lab mixes). My hobbies are computers (building and programming), collecting computer related T-shirts, my pets, visiting friends, my daily A.A. meetings. I've been described as a "redneck geek". I'm more at home in my truck, boots, and hat, listening to country music.

I know my wife dislikes this picture. But it shows the loves of my life. It also shows how my wife with no makeup and a long john top looks stunning.

I've found the secret to a great marriage. Marry way above yourself. Someone who you wake up next to amazed they picked you. Also someone your intellectual equal, someone with your sense of humor and wit. To quote Judge Judy "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever."

At 44 we finally bought our first house. Our son Loren Robert Pheil will be born around July 17th. Every day is a new adventure. I spend an average 6 hrs a day working on the Sanctuaries. The only time I have taken off in 8 yrs were Natalie's surgeries.

Despite my bad beginnings, today I still suffer from my Panic Disorder. I wasn't able to enjoy the wedding rehearsal dinner because of it. My panic disorder and IBS leaves me gravely disabled. Many things that people take for granted like taking a trip or flying in an airplane are beyond me. I know thing well change drastically when the baby arrives. I wouldn't be were I am today without the support of my wife and my families. Many times I've missed working, wanting to go back but realizing that that will never be. 

Taking care of our daughter. Enjoying my life with my wonderful wife.