Ask the Therapist
Relationship with a Someone that has Gender Identity Issues
Thank you for this website! I am having a relationship with a man that has gender identity issues. He is in counseling and has been for a year. I see no progress in his behavior and actually is becoming more depressed. He says he wants to keep the door open for our relationship but also says right now he can't see me!! I am confused, is this normal behavior for someone with this disorder? Do you think I have a chance at a lasting relationship or should I walk away? I am becoming so depressed I can't eat or sleep or anything else. Please if you could give me some advice I would greatly appreciate it!
It is quite common for individuals suffering gender identity issues to themselves be confused about their relationships. That your boyfriend wants to leave the door open, but "can't see you right now" is typical and more about his internal confusion than about your relationship. That leads us to the point that, with adult onset gender identity concerns, the likelihood that the individual in question will be able to commit to a transgender relationship is unlikely -- I didn't say be in one, I said _commit_ to one . Typically, males with GI concerns who maintain a transgender relationship are committed more to their fantasies (of being a woman during intercourse, of being submissive, etc.), fantasies which may or may not manifest in sex-play, than they are to their actual partner. Further, should that individual follow through with surgical gender transmigration (a sex change), they will typically want to maintain their relationship with their former transgender partner as either a lesbian relationship, or a room-mate, friendship, sister relationship, while seeking outside male sex partners. In addition, maintaining a transgender relationship increases the psycho-social anxiety and sense of displacement that these individuals feel -- a possible explanation for the increased depressive aspect -- which itself can be a problem for the partner in terms of anything from resentment, to infidelity, to abuse.
The real question for you is whether you want to volunteer for your current circumstance and any or all of its potential eventualities. You may love this person as a man, but could you love him and be sexual with him as a woman? Are you willing to engage in sex-play that may involve your being dominant, bringing "apparatus" into the bedroom that, at least temporarily, puts you in the male role (I don't want to be too explicit here, but I suspect you get my meaning), be willing to support his cross-dressing, if that is part of the symptomology, etc.
What do you want and how does any or all of this serve you? Also, one thing to consider is that if you are beginning to suffer emotional distress as a result of this situation, (1) it's probably not a healthy place for you to be and (2) make sure you seek more direct help and support yourself.
