Ask the Therapist
Friend Suffering From the BPD
What can I do to help, but also keep myself sane. Her diseases are
compounded also by being adopted as a child, into what turned out to be an alcoholic family, that never had her correctly diagnosed. I feel like she wants to be joined with me like
Siamese twins !
One of the most prominent characteristics of the borderline is exactly what you describe -- extreme dependence. What can you do to help? Nothing, except be supportive of her disorder, but be careful not to pander to it. You see, if you run to her aid every time she cries wolf (which is exactly what she wants you to do -- I like to call it "testing your abandonment quotient") you fall into the Adult Child of Alcoholic Parents (ACA) trap of enabling her
dis-ease.
You've got a very complicated situation on your hands. What you need to decide, and you're already asking the question, is whether you want or are capable of supporting the type of relationship that someone with these various diagnoses is going to set up. The problem with being in relationship to a borderline personality is that you spend so much time being in relationship to the disorder that you often don't get a chance to be in relationship to the person whom you love. Second question, are you in love with her or are you in love with the role in which she casts you (savior) as a function of her needs. Sticky...
Here are some resources:
Codependent
No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by
Melody Beattie
I
Hate You, Don't Leave Me : Understanding the Borderline Personality
by
Jerold J. Kreisman
Living with The Borderline Personality (or something close to that -- it's an oversized paperback with a blue cover)
Common
Sense Parenting: A Proven Step-By-Step Guide for Raising Responsible
Kids and Creating Happy Families by
Raymond V. Burke
(that sounds like a weird one, but the tools are great for working with someone who often casts themselves in the role of someone who often casts themselves as the victim/wounded child).
