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Troubled 13 yr Old Daughter

I have a 13 year old daughter. She is the oldest of 4 children. She admits that she is very jealous of her 11 year old sister. She constantly puts down, overpowers and humiliates all of her younger siblings. She has always been extremely independent. She has recently started her menstrual cycles.

The problem is that she has become particularly hateful towards her siblings and me, her father. She tolerates her mother but only when her mother is doing something for her. I tried to give her positive reinforcement by accentuating the positive but her attitude only changed when she wanted something. I have talked to her about my childhood and related it to hers. She seemed to understand and then the next thing she did was contradictory to everything I had explained.

We live in a small community where there are approximately 80 girls in her 7th grade. She had developed a possessive relationship with one girl. She humiliated another girl in the 7th grade (the girls prior best friend) to the point that her parents had spoken to the counselor 4-5 times. I did not realize this until recently. My wife met with the girl's mother. Now friends has become best friends with the other girl.

She has alienated all of the girls in the 7th grade to the extent that she became friends with two six grade girls. I noticed a few weeks ago that she was writing a note to the better of the two sixth grade friends about the other. I now find out that she is having arguments with this girl every day to the extent that when her mother picks her up every day she is crying.

My wife got a call from the new friends Mother today. My daughter has been sharing her family secrets with her new 6th grade friends who have been spreading these facts around the school.

She seems to understand right from wrong. She has not yet done anything more than spread rumors. I feel she is too old to spank. Grounding her is the only real punishment but is ineffective since she doesn't have any friends and doesn't mind if she can't watch TV. I fear that this inappropriate behavior may lead to other things.

What is wrong with her? How can we get through to her?

I have a few hard and fast rules that I live by when working with adolescents. One of them is "show me a mad kid and I'll show you a sad kid". It's very likely that your daughter is experiencing some version of the depression that often accompanies the transition into later adolescence. It is related to the fear and anxiety of asserting her independence, feeling isolated, being uncomfortable in her body, etc...you remember what it was like to be 13 - ask your wife, for her it was 10 times worse just because she's female.

As for how to get through to her, you're probably better off getting her into counseling to start. That's no reflection on you or your parenting, it's simply that you are her father and she's 13, so she's going to resent you and be angry with you just because you're in the room.

The bullying and splitting that she is doing is probably a bid for attention. She feels left out (for no good reason - she's 13) and is seeking to minimize the competition.

As for punishing her...you need to motivate her. Spanking, grounding...all that won't work as there is no cost to her. If she has few friends and doesn't care about TV, what does she care about? After you figure it out, don't threaten...be consistent. Of she abuses her sibs, she losses her X privileges for 2 days...all the time, every time. Set firm limits and draw boundaries. Kids fight them, but they also crave structure and consistency...it makes them feels safe and right now she does not feel safe.

And now for the tough questions...she's 13...you need to look into whether she is experimenting with drugs and if she is sexually active with either boys or girls. Those might tough for you to swallow, but if her behavior has changed significantly recently these could always be factors.

Here are some resources:

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons -- a book about bullying behavior in girls
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Daniel J. Kindlon-- aggressive boys, but it applies
Common Sense Parenting: A Proven Step-By-Step Guide for Raising Responsible Kids and Creating Happy Families by Raymond V. Burke -- tools for the motivation I described above
Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher -- an overview of the post-modern female adolescent experience and what others have experienced.

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