BPD or Gender Issues?

I have been depressed for nearly five years. I used to drink heavily, but now I just cry alot, think about death and generally lack interest in life. I am not socialable, there are very few people in which I feel comfortable with, I tend to observe, but I don't think I am shy. I just think that I am extremely conscious of what to say and how the person would react. I do have difficulties with relationships though. I can easily love someone but when they are not as I expected I can disregard them just as quickly. I don't keep in contact with people. Somehow they have to be exactly the way I want them. Most of the time I am quiet and serene, but when I was young I was recalled to have quite a few violent outbursts. In one incident, when I had a fight with my friend's sister, I envisioned myself as being a fat sweating middle age bolding man abusing his own daughter on the bed. It really scared me at that point. When I was 18 I had a brief encounter with a girl who changed my life in a good and a bad way. I felt, yes I'm a lesbian but at the same time I wasn't given enough support because most thought I was in a phase and I don't 'look' like a lesbian. So in university I had no girl friends and afterwards I ignore women in general. What I want to ask is that do I have BPD or a gender issue? Do you think I should seek medical help? I have consulted a school counselor and some therapist before and they have not been very helpful. They were too judgmental and simply just labeled me as confused.

You seem to have a few different concerns. I suspect that they are all related in some way. It's always dangerous to be definitive about mental health, because there are so few clearly drawn lines. It sounds like your overall social discomfort may be a result of not exactly knowing where you fit. Since you brought it up, that might indeed point to some confusion about sexual preference (by the way, a lesbian who "does not look like a lesbian" is a called a femme in that culture). Now, be aware that an alternative or mixed sexual preference does not point to a gender identity issue -- they are two different things and, unless you weren't clear, it doesn't sound like your issue with your feminine aspect is gender-based, but rather sexually-based. Trans-gender fantasies like you describe are common...the violence and incest are something to consider, but as an overall vehicle for emotional expression what you describe is not terribly unusual.

The other symptoms you describe are indeed indicative of depression or a depressed mood. But, think about this...if you are avoiding social situations because you are self-conscious or have low esteem, aren't you lonely? If you're lonely, wouldn't that make you somewhat sad? See what I mean by related?...

The piece where you describe avoiding women might be considered "reaction formation" -- doing something that is the complete opposite of what you might normally because the socio-emotional consequences of your doing what you want are too much to handle emotionally.

I can't diagnose you or tell you what to do, but if you were in my consulting room I would suggest to you that the first step for you might be to explore your sexuality. That doesn't mean going out and picking up a girl. It means finding a support group or a "gay-friendly" therapist who can relate to and support your personal development.