Ask the Therapist
Helping Friend with Wife Who Suffers From BPD
I have a close friend whose wife was recently diagnosed with Borderline
Personality, although I don't think she was told of the diagnosis. They
have been married for two years and, needless to say, it has been a very rocky
relationship. She refuses to seek help for her problems or even to admit
that she needs it; at the same time, she frequently threatens suicide and has
even been hospitalized to restrain her. She is very depressed and very
controlling, and it's tearing my friend up just to live with her.
But compounding the problem is that my friend tends to be a rescuer and an
enabler without being aware of it. What can I say or do to help him
break out of the destructive patterns in their relationship, or at least to
open his eyes to what she is doing and how he is playing into it?
You're a good friend. Unfortunately, your friend is caught in what I call the "interpersonal borderline dynamic". Borderlines or people who manifest borderline features attract to them exactly the type of person you friend is because it feeds their interior dynamic. Unfortunately, the BPDs behavior feeds the "savior" archetype or, as your call it rescuer, in the person with whom they are in a relationship.
You have 2 choices. Leave it alone or just keep pounding your friend. Either way, he will not get out of it until _he_ sees it to be destructive for him. You can't "fix it" -- don't fall into his trap -- no matter how much love you have for this guy. He's got to figure it out for himself and act for himself.
Just keep being his friend. He needs that more than anything.
PS -- if your friend is a reader, get him 2 books -- I Hate You, Don't Leave Me : Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman
and
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. If not, you read them.
