Ask the Therapist
Sex Addiction and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Hi,
I'd like to thank you in advance for your insightful information.
My fiance just finished moving his belongings out of my home as we just split up. At 3, he was in a plane crash where his mother and sister died. His father then remarried 4 times, they moved constantly and he never knew nurturing as a child.
Last year when we met, he was obsessively meeting women online and dating them. When I realized what was happening, he admitted his addiction and he sought help. We thought he had a sexual addiction problem. Although, he went only to 5 therapy sessions. His anger returned, always directed at me and blamed me for everything.
His expectations were unjust and his haughty behavior was unbearable. It seemed that life was passing him by and he was not a participant. He was even bored in Paris! It seemed as if he were an empty shell that just had no emotions aside from anger. I didn't know if it would ever work.
I realized that he had reverted back to his online behavior and sleeping with other women. We split and I went to his therapist. His therapist told me that he suffers from NPD and now after reading about it considerably, he's right on target.
I would like to help this man, and at this point, he's open to it. He seemed like he was sorry for hurting me today and said that he'd seek help. This is a destructive pattern that he had in his marriage and probably with every relationship he has ever been in. He craves intimacy but cannot be intimate.
Is there a bonefide test that I could email him that would characterize him as having NPD? He is in denial about many of the characteristics of the disease as I'm sure you are aware.
Could you recommend a therapist, web site or support group for him? Where can he turn to? He lives in Naples, FL.
I would like him to seek help and to stop destroying others.
There's a lot here. Firstly, and most importantly, your fiance's therapist should not have spoken to you. S/he breached the ethics of doctor/patient confidentiality and that is a serious consideration -- not only for the therapist, but for you in terms of the level of service that this individual may or may not have been providing. That said...
I am uncertain how your fiance's early history might lead to the development of a narcissistic personality type. Although I am by no means suggesting a diagnosis, from what you've said, I'd be more inclined to view his behavior as some aspect of a borderline style because that relates more directly to issues of abandonment. And the borderline style has a strong narcissistic aspect, which would account for some of his behavior.
As for the para-sexual addiction (para meaning looks like, but not really), that is a logical outlet for someone who is constantly seeking to fill a void. There is a false intimacy bread by on-line contact and most borderline/narcissistic types (especially men because of aculturation) confuse sex with intimacy...as you said, he craves intimacy, but cannot be intimate -- so he seeks to replace it in an effort to replace what is missing in himself. This is a much deeper conversation and I am going to suggest some books for _you_.
The
Drama of the Gifted Child : The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller
I
Hate You, Don't Leave Me : Understanding the Borderline Personality
by
Jerold J. Kreisman
Although I have not read it, you may take a look at " Male,
Female, Email: The Struggle for Relatedness in a Paranoid Society
by
Michael A. Civin"...I think it discusses the issues of false intimacy and on-line communication...don't quote me.
Finally, testing should be done by a professional and, although I can responsibly suggest no one, you might find a therapist here, at MHS, or through either
1-800-
Therapist or www.nbcc.org -- this is not an endorsement of the therapists available, just a suggestion.
