Ask the Therapist
Girlfriend with Possible BPD
I am in need of your help badly. I have a girlfriend whom i was about to
propose at the end of this year but now we in chaos.
She was a rape victim, rape by her friend and lover for 10 years, their
relationship was stormy as she was the controlling factor and he was very submissive to her. She would throw tantrum at him and abuse him verbally
and then be fine the next day. If she in an uncontrollable rage with anyone she will end up afflicting self hurt and always say she hate her life. At
one point in their life they started having sex and from then it was very frequent, but growing up in a
conservative family she was brought up to believe strongly that sex is for after marriage so when the sex got too
frequent she wanted to stop it, for awhile she say no to physical sexual advancement for her ex but till a point she disgust it.
One the night she was rape , actually she went camping with her Ex and when night falls she feel the yearning to have sex but know she do not
want it but she she do stuff to excite him e.g. lying down in a position that would turn him on- soon he made his
advances and she responded but, when it gets hotter her inside know she need to stop and she ask him to
stop, but then when he made his advances again she responded but inside she do not want it but she was arouse but she still say no and she
physically retaliate but he still goes on on her. after that she cry herself to sleep but still with him . the next morning she was numb,
helpless and weak and he made his move again she say no but he goes on even when she say no she feel arouse and even thou she hate it she cant
figure why she was arouse. she left him after that day believe that she was rape but till now she say she
pressured him into doing it. what i feel is she having BPD she like and is excite at the sex but she know it is
wrong and she don't want due to her belief and her ex do it to her for the sense of control he never had when in a relationship with her as she was
abusive and domineering.
We were friends at that time and she confided in me and i wanted to help her and
slow we became lovers but the thing that she could not get out of her head was we started to have sex very early and frequent after that but
i was making love i did it cause i love her. our relationship is smooth and thou she still sometime have her rage and hurt herself it is not as
often as the last relationship, I am a bit domineering by nature being the oldest brother in my family. but she was very emotionally dependent on me
and i like that.
During our course of our relationship the ex still hang around her family as she was to keep the rape to herself she have to pretend that it was a
normal break up. but she told me that she didn't mind him being around but she still abuse him telling him to go away and not disturb her and her
family, that went on for 2 years, till one day after an abusive phone call
from her she tell him to go and i suppose the guy gave up and left for good and now she sense that
abandonment and she insanely want him back, she is breaking up with me to go run after him she wants him so bad that she
forgive what he have done to her and willing to take the risk of letting her family get hurt in the process.
I have a big feeling she have BPD as she have mood change as she can be upset and hurting herself in one minuet and after a few
minute she can laugh and act fine, she don't have any direction in life she just float in
it, she get angry very fast and some time get irritated with just little things
I say about her family , yes she intensely love her family and her brother no one can beat them no one can say even a comment about them she
with be in rage mode if that happen. she hurt her self by scratch her arms and chest
or knock the back of her head on the wall . during her relationship with me I told her if she did this that
I know about I will leave her and she try her very best to stop as she don't want me to leave.
but lately when she felt abandon by her ex lover after a 3 year relationship with me she is all out to get him even at the risk of loosing
me and her family. when we talk she gets too angry and shout " I love that rapist " and things that
don't make sense. and will feel fine the next 10 minuet. finally i told her if she do not want to get her i will leave her
before she can decided who she really wants to be with and that kind of make her angry and then be nice to me ..
Dear sir I really believe she needs help and I feel she have BPD ... can you advice me what can
I do as it is hurtful for me to see her going back to the person who rape her and go on self destructing her life as
I love her and wants to marry her..
First, you have to recognize that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If her craziness over this old lover is stronger than her love for you -- and remember that is no reflection on you or the way that you love her and maybe even the way she feels for you deep down -- you can't win.
One of the hardest things about people who act borderline or seem to act borderline is that they start to make you think that you're crazy. They can do the craziest things and then act like nothing happened. So, the most important thing for you is to take care of yourself. It sounds like this was a pretty hard relationship to contain all along. I understand you feel that you love her, but do you want to volunteer for a relationship that is going to be like this always? You need to ask yourself this question.
As for helping her, the only thing you can do is suggest that she go and see someone. A good strategy might be to suggest she go talk to someone about the old relationship -- not because it's effecting your relationship, but because it's effecting her. Any decent counselor will see right through her in about a minute and a half and then she'll be in a place to maybe get the help she needs.
