Ask the Therapist
Depressive State
I am 50 and diagnosed as Manic Depression, Bi polar, MPD then DID.
Lots of childhood issues of abandonment, violence with an abduction as a teen. A young mother of three, single, and 2 of my children were burned over 52 percent of their bodies. 16 years treating them and loads of surgeries. I've also been
told I have Post Traumatic syndrome because of all that. My mother was murdered when I was a teen.
All of the family above me is gone now, I'm getting wore out, tired, feelings of uselessness, being a burden to my third husband of 19 years. The others were abusive.
I have grandchildren I want to see grow up. I worry everyday about them.
It's not easy to know what I have because of all the issues, but yet I have the symptoms
of them all.
Been in the hospital many times, but not since 91. I try everything to stay out of there, cause too many people there. It sometimes is very hard to stay out and I get just plain exhaustive out here and many don't understand.
My question to you is how can I begin to work on feeling useful again. How do I feel my age instead of 80 and why do I feel the urgency to put all my pictures away and organize them and do preps for my stuff to go to the kids when I'm gone. I feel like I'm close to the end Is that normal at 50 or am I just messed up. My grandma did this stuff at 85 to 90 yrs old.
What you are describing is generally thought of as a precursor to some sort of self-injury...collecting, organizing, giving away, making preparations... That you are doing these things and you have a history of depression and depressive features is of considerable concern. First consult your doctor...you may be experience the depression that often comes with peri-menopause or menopause and this whole cycle could be tied to your hormonal changes. You also need to consult with a mental health professional -- your current one if you are on meds or undertake to find a new one.
As far as feeling useful in the moment as you work on the deeper issues, get involved in your church or a women's reading group, volunteer, get a pet (always a huge help), work as an aid in the local elementary school. There are any number of things you could do. Find what you like and and commit to it.
