Ask the Therapist
BPD and Sexual Betrayal
I am a 27 year-old female who was diagnosed with BPD last year. I have had a very intense past as far as relationships are concerned. A little history
& I was married at 19 divorced by 20. I have had more than 30 sexual partners, 4 of those partners were long- term relationships. I was sexually abused more than once, first encounter being at age 7. I have never tried to commit suicide, although I have had mild bouts of self-mutilation. I am very high functioning and have done a tremendous amount of self-realization. I have had some therapy but am currently trying to enroll in a local DBT clinic. The reason I am writing you is because I am currently in a wonderful relationship, I have been with the same person quite happily for 1.5 years. He treats me well, and tries to understand my moods. Sometimes I feel as though I totally forget about the wonderful person he is and I totally focus on his faults. I know this is very characteristic of BPD. Lately, I have been having a VERY VERY hard time because he masturbates a few times a week. I know this is normal, I know I should not worry at all, I know the entire argument. I just can t seem to shake the over-powering physical sickness I feel when I think about it or suspect that he has masturbated. I am so sick over it that I have even set traps for him which would tell me when he masturbates. I have violated his privacy and searched for pornography on his computer. I just can t shake this thing. I have tried not to think about it, but it just pops into my head. I will fixate on a mental image of him masturbating and it makes me shake. Sometimes I am paranoid to do things separate from him because I think if he is alone then he will masturbate. Do you think this is possibly a way to justify (to myself) my being with him all the time? Might you have an exercise or some advice to help me get through these moments? Any suggestions would be extremely appreciated.
One of the most potent aspects of BPD is the constant sense of betrayal and lack of safety. A BP can take even a supportive act as a slight and then blow it into something unrealistic. That's not about you, so much as it is about the cycle of the disorder -- it's when you are being run by the pathos. One of the keys to overcoming this tendency is to recognize this tendency. I understand that's hard, but you need to understand that BPD is a learned behavior and, as such, can be unlearned. Your sense of betrayal, suspicions, boundary crossing -- all just a collection of bad habits driven in part by a subconscious need for safety.
Clearly one of the means by which you find validation is through sexual contact...not an uncommon trait of female BPs and often part of a greater plan of manipulation (that is not a comment or
judgment about you, it's a statement about the pattern of the disorder). Your partner's masturbating feels like a betrayal to you because your "black" side is basically saying, "Why not me?", "What's wrong with me?"
Now, onto the dynamic to which you have attached yourself. Masturbation for us is, yes, to some extend "normal". But a man who is masturbating 2-3 times a week within the context of a relationship with someone (whom I suspect and correct me if I am wrong) has a voracious, varied and talented sexual appetite is trying to say something. Masturbation at that level often points to loneliness, depression and issues of intimacy.
The BP almost always thinks its about them...take a look and see if, at least in this case, it's about something else and whether or not you want to be party to that. Remember, BPs believe they have no control. Take a look, make a conscious choice and take back that sense of control. All of this will support your recovery!
