Ask the Therapist
Daughter with BPD
I'm quite certain my daughter Kelly has BPD. I need to know if and how I
should attempt to tell her of my suspicions so she can seek help. She is causing much chaos and resentment in our family, especially with her new
sister-in-law, who herself has some emotional problems and they clash at every turn. My son is bewildered and angry at his sister and I am very
concerned at the situation, to say the least.
As for me, I have had counseling off and on and am learning about the
illness and how to deal with it. I am finding that the best thing for me to do is to keep at arm's length with Kelly. In January, I informed her that I
would be limiting the time I spent around her since she refused to respect my boundaries. Of course, she became defensive and would take no
responsibility for that happening. I waited for 3 months, then called her and now we have a cool, arms length relationship. So I'm doing ok. Just
sad that we can't be an ordinary family. Thanks.
What you are doing is difficult, but exactly right. One of the most important things to do with someone exhibiting borderline features is to draw boundaries and stop enabling their behavior -- something they get you to do and you don't even know that you're doing it!
It sounds like you're also taking care of yourself -- very important.
If you reveal your suspicions to your daughter, she will likely tell you that you are crazy and that you need help. One of the differences, and consequent difficulties, between BP and other personality disturbances is that the BP doesn't see their behavior as unusual or inappropriate.
Do what you are doing. Advise others in the family to do the same. If you read, take a look at "I hate you, don't leave me" and "Stop walking on eggshells". I know you feel like you are alienating your daughter, but she's an adult. The thing about BPs or people exhibiting a BP style is they are generally highly functioning and will survive quite nicely. They can also be very destructive, so set those boundaries and keep them there.
