Ask the Therapist
Son with Narcissistic Rage Syndrome
My wife and I are trying to better understand how to enable instead of help
our 23 year old son who has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Rage Syndrome Although Alex has been seeing Physiatrists since diagnosed with ADD in
second grade, the Ritalin and ongoing behavior therapy helped him get through high school with good grades but also emotional scars here and with
him . He was accepted at a college 300 miles away in our home town and second semester got off the Ritalin while maintaining a
relationship with a psychologist on campus . In college he did well but sunk deeper into depression from time to time. At points he thought people
were criticizing him when they were trying to help and at points he froze in his dorm room not being able to go outside because people would look at him.
During this entire transition from high school to college he trained as a body builder showing a strength and discipline of a true athlete even though
neither my wife or I fully encouraged him to pursue this even as a hobby as it was clear he became obsessed with it excluding church friends and
alienating himself in favor of the gym. I thought the exercise replaced the Ritalin but find now with this new diagnosis its a control mechanism.
Several relationships in college ended with true pain and suffering with
girls tired of his gym habits and one claiming he had self destructive tendencies.
He participated in drinking once off the Ritalin and seems to have
controlled it now because its not a positive gain for him. we are glad as moms family has severe drinking problems and if I read the ADD and
narcissism diagnosis there are some genetics at work. My side has its share of depression and worry so he is not alone in this.
I write you today as in the last 2 months his outbursts and anger from
almost uncontrollable rage has gotten worse. Hanging up in phone calls, demanding we do this and that, in short draining our patience and bank
account. I thought it was because he was between jobs having worked for 7 months in a temp job he now needed to look again as that job ended, he had
smashed his car in a parking lot accident and was awaiting to hear from law school.
Last Saturday he heard from law school he was accepted, dad had spent time
to get him health insurance and his car fixed and Mom and I gave him several hundred dollars for his birthday as we know he is living on savings.
These things went unnoticed and ..in a word we feel used.
My wife's therapist is telling is we are rescuing him at every turn so there
is little consequence for his action. My limited training in this area tells me that as he alienates those closest to him and attempts to be his own man
he has allot of missing components and will only get angrier and angrier at insurance combines and others who do not meet his deadlines and
expectations. When I saw your book walking on eggshells I knew we are at the right place. The articles all seem to underscore the fact we need to enable
not help this kid as a 23 year old adult.
He is seeing a Psychiatrist who has not , at least yet, recommended drugs
probably because Alex is against medication, But he is seeing him and we are happy to pay for this if he seems to get better but its seems it is getting
worse. its almost like the diagnosis is giving Alex permission to be a brat? So my wife and I are not in agreement on how to handle this. She thinks we
should send him some money and tell him he is on his own and if he winds up living in a cardboard box because he is belligerent to people and
disorganized that's it. I am of the opinion that he is not normal and needs
extra help to cope with his deficiencies but I do believe at 23 it is time to enable and stop helping, force some issues and
be direct even if tempers
fly but also know he has a house to come home to if all fails. She has asked me to head up this corrective action plan so I am looking for something of
an understanding of borderline and some direction on what to read that may be of
help. and a coach if you are able. Alex's doctor does not return my
calls . I assume its a conflict or HIPAA or what ever thing for him but if what he can do is eventually help Alex to see that he may need medication
and must see the warning signs of rage before they come out then he supporting a direction for us to both enable him .
It was two steps forward one back now it seems two steps forward and three
back. if he drops out of law school I fear for his vision of himself as this has been a goal since freshman year. Without a goal and with a low self
image he is in trouble and so are we. So thanks for listening, hope you can respond with some ideas and direction
"Enabling" is exactly the right word. You have set a dynamic whereby whatever your son runs into, you are there to rescue him, fix it, help out or just make it go away. What you are doing is playing right into the needs of his disorder -- chaos, control and disregard -- until the cycle starts again. Stop it. He is your son, but he is also a 23 year old man with a college education who, apparently, is quite capable of advancing to a graduate level education. You are his parents, but you and your wife are neither his wardens, nor his keepers.
Narcissism is a learned behavior. What you are teaching him with your response is that, basically and quite frankly, he can trot out his pathos and you will go play in his sandbox until he takes his ball and goes home. Cut it out. Your continued participation will destroy you, your relationship and your bank account and neither you nor your son will be the better for it.
What your wife proposes sounds harsh, but it is specifically a past lack of firm boundaries and consistency that has "enabled" or supported the development of this personality distortion that we call narcissism. Draw a line -- one that does not include advancing him any more funds -- and do not cross it. Period.
As for meds, they may help to mitigate his aggression and/or depression (remember that depression and anger are two sides of the same coin -- show me a mad kid and I'll show you a sad kid), but the behavioral set itself is primarily learned and must be unlearned for him to progress. Also, I don't know if he is seeing the same psychiatrist, but a high school student is generally considered too old to be on Ritalin -- as such, the progress he made in high school was likely self-motivated. Ritalin stops working effectively when those hormones kick in and kids are usually switched off to either some type of anti-seizure med or a mood stabilizer. Think about that when you ask the question if he is using his "diagnosis" to excuse his behavior. He's disturbed, at some level -- not stupid. And his disorder is one rife with deception and manipulation.
Let him live his own life and you live yours. As long as he doesn't harm himself or anyone else, he and only he is responsible for himself.
I know you aren't going to like what I've written here and it undoubtedly sounds harsh and unfeeling. Believe me, it is not...it is only realistic.
