Ask the Therapist
Boyfriend with Possible BPD
I am a 23 year old gay male who has been in a relationship for the last year. Something is wrong with my boyfriend. I don't know what it is. Maybe you can help me. He is like a person who has been split in two. On one side: sweet, kind, giving and loving. And, on the other side: arrogant, hostile, moody; always bored, paranoid, impulsive, anxious and violent on a few occasions. Does he have Borderline Personality Disorder? If so, what does that say about me? He has beemed better lately.
The symptoms you describe are certainly in line with BPD, but you know that I can't make a diagnosis with so little information, nor in this forum. Regardless, you're on the right track in thinking about how the situation is effecting you. The most important thing to think about is how you are participating in the relationship. Is it a positive or negative experience for you? How is it serving you? Is it serving you?
It's perfectly acceptable and reasonable to participate in a relationship with someone who manifests borderline features, as long as you don't get pulled into the inertia of their craziness. Once you get there and it begins to effect your quality of life you're in trouble. What that looks like on his part might be borrowing money without returning it, not working while you cover the bills, being emotionally or physically abusive or (and given your situation, this particularly important to consider) infidelity/promiscuity.
I understand that it is very difficult to establish and maintain a long-term relationship in the gay community, but one of the things you need to consider, for your own peace of mind, is that a borderline has real trouble with intimacy and commitment. The bottom line is what do you want to volunteer for and how much are you willing to compromise your own needs to stay with that choice.
