Ask the Therapist
Possible Child Abuse
I am having a major issue with a friend of mine, whom I believe suffers from
BPD, but has not been diagnosed. As a background, he is the third of 4 children, and his parents divorced when he was about 10 because his father raped his sister. My husband and I have known him for 4 years. He is 27, married 3.5 years, with three children, ages 4,3, and 17 months, all of whom were "accidental", but for some reason he seems to resent the youngest while being deeply loving of the other two. Ever since we have known him, he has been unhappy with his wife. She herself is a very selfish and immature person. She seems to force him into appeasing her by setting up extreme demands, and berating him until she gets what she wants. She is very irresponsible with money, having spent them into a bankruptcy, and even though he makes an excellent living, he still cannot save a dime (she does it, he lets her being fully aware this is the case, although he complains about this situation constantly). I have seen her yell at him for no reason,
withhold sex for weeks at a time, tell him he is a bad provider and a bad husband. She also has told me and some of our mutual friends that her husband has beat her, tried to force her into anal sex while she was pregnant, ignores his children, and is basically a bad guy. I know this man very well, and while I will admit there is no way to really know what goes on between them in their private time, none of this makes sense when I think about this man I know, especially since she decided to make these announcements to several people she didn't even know very well, at her husbands own birthday party. When we first met this couple, I liked them both very much, but over time I grew to very deeply dislike the wife, while my admiration for the husband has only grown, and my husband shares this sentiment.
However, serious problems have arisen. First, the wife is not a good mother to the children. The kids are very small for their ages, especially the second child who is 3 and no bigger than my one year old. Secondly, the children are constantly ill. Third, I have seen for myself that these children are emotionally neglected by their mother, who spends most of her day on the computer or on the phone. She is, however, very good at putting up a front for those who do not know her well, by placing pictures of the kids around the house and basically projecting an image. But for the majority of the day, at least when I was around her, the kids clearly came last. Now, the husband loves his kids very much, and has told my husband, myself, and his own mother that he fears for his children and believes they are neglected and emotionally abused by their mother. He has also stated that he feels she emotionally abuses him. Two years ago, he talked seriously of divorcing her. However, at the same time he and I began having a closer friendship and he stated he was in love with me, and wanted to leave her in order to be with me. I will not lie, I love this man, but I told him I did not want to be the issue in their marriage. He said I wasn't, that it was going badly anyway. Well, the wife caught wind of our feelings for
each other and forbid him to see me anymore. However, in the two years that have passed since then, we have been in regular contact (with my husband's knowledge), and he has visited many times. Each time he says he fears if his wife finds out he is visiting, she will divorce him and he will never see his kids again. So I continue to bring up to him that he will indeed eventually be caught, as he has come close many times, and it is probably better to either divorce her or confess that he is spending time with us so that he may do so freely. Each time we have this conversation, he goes on about how much he loves me more than any other woman but cannot lose his kids, and breaks things off. Each time I told him it was forever, I couldn't have him popping in and out, it was too hard. But each time either he or I seek to make contact with
each other, and the cycle repeats itself. Last time, it was 4 months ago, he said he couldn't do this anymore, and said he'd always love me and remember me, but he couldn't picture a future with me, it was too hard even though he'd gladly divorce his wife the risk of losing his kids was too much chaos to go through. But 3 months later, he was eager to speak with me, telling me how he thinks of me constantly, misses me terribly, and loves me. I told him he needed to make some kind of plan so that we could have some kind of legitimate friendship. He agreed, but then disappeared for a couple weeks. When I tracked him down to talk to him about it, he said the same thing, only with different excuses. This time he claims he loves his wife and his children are not abused in any way. However, just days prior a friend of his contacted my husband saying that this man confided in him that he is not happy in his marriage and that he feels his wife neglects his children when he is at work. That is a story in itself, in that he has taken to working so much overtime of his own accord, that he is actually sleeping at the office at least once a week. He is working double and triple shifts regularly. Talking to him over these years, I see that he has begun to really break down. He nearly committed suicide (as in he talked about it in great detail and said it was either that or run out on his family, but he ended up doing neither) about 4 months ago, saying he hated his life and everything about it. Now all the sudden there seem to be no problems when I ask him, but others are reporting that he is indeed continuing to have grave concerns about his kids. I had not called CPS on him because I do not wish to hurt him and I did believe he would intervene for the kids, but increasingly it seems he is only avoiding the problem by constantly being gone. It is clear he hasn't the strength to stop what his wife is doing, leave her to stop it, or be more present to stop it himself. He just seems to keep running, and we fear for the kids. Now, I feel that if we call CPS on him, he will be extremely enraged, but with how often he reports concerns about his wife's parenting skills, it seems sometimes that it is exactly what he wants. I am extremely confused, as he seems time and again to do things that would enrage his wife if he were caught, and then be terrified that she will find out. The last time we spoke, he said he would ask her if he could be friends with us again, so that he could see us, but if she refused, he would never contact us again. I am very concerned, confused, and worried about him and his kids. Over time, he seems increasingly in denial. For a long time I believed him that his wife had improved as a wife and mother because I was not around to know otherwise, but these recent reports from his other friends seem to speak to something entirely different, especially since it took us a year of seeing them all the time to know there was a problem, whereas this person who told us of the recent troubles has only a work relationship with this man, and has himself grown to dislike his wife for the same reasons my husband and I do. I am at a loss. Is he coming back again? Should we call CPS? Is that what he wants since he is constantly reporting that his children are in danger? Why then doesn't he leave her? Why is he always contradicting himself? I love this man, and I love his kids like my own, and I haven't got it in me to walk away from them. But at some point, something needs to be done, I just don't know what it is.
If you have demonstrable evidence of the children's mistreatment and you feel that they are in physical or emotional danger, then you have a moral obligation to report the situation to Child Welfare (CPS in your state). Otherwise, it is, quite frankly, none of your business.
Don't presume to diagnose people without the credentials to do so...you will end up with a lawsuit in your lap, no matter how well meaning you are.
