Ask the Therapist
Narcissistic Mother
My mother is in her early 80s. She is narcissistic and paranoid. She has had one pain or ache after another ever since I can remember. She only talks about herself and her health and never asks how I am. If I try to tell her I feel, she says in a high-pitched voice "my shingles are acting up, I'm in pain, I refuse to talk about this." I have always had a difficult time with her but now especially so since my father died a year ago. It seems that now she doesn't have him to pick on, she is honing in on me and my brother.
She says things and then denies ever saying them. Example: She told me on the phone she wanted nothing to do with me or my brother and that she has no children and she told the people at the hospital this (when she was having a colonoscopy). She said she was there alone and had no one to drive her home and she was through with us and was moving to New York (her hometown) to be with her "blood." (My brother and I are adopted). She also threw in that my guidance counselor in high school told her I said I hated her (I am presently 45). I had no idea she was having a procedure because she hangs up on me all the time when I speak with her on the phone. Well, she did go to NY, bought a house, was there for 2 weeks and tried to kill herself. She was in a hospital up there another week and then moved back down here (Florida). Her house was never sold so she moved back in with nothing at first. She calls me then and says I have to help her, she sold all the furniture, etc. My brother and I got her a bed, some chairs, tables, dishes, things to help her function until her furniture came. She says to my brother and I that she doesn't want to talk about the past anymore from this point on and we will just move forward and to never bring it up again.
As soon as my brother walks out of the house, she turns to me and tells me the reason she went to NY was because my brother said I was going to kill Smokey, her dog. I just looked at her. This statement was ludicrous and the fact she would believe such nonsense (I am an animal lover and she knows it) is hurtful. I told her I didn't believe he said it and that she should know better. Then I found out when my brother went to the hospital to get something my mother forgot from the colonoscopy, they said Mrs. _____ has no children. He had to show his ID for them to believe him. It happened at the pharmacy too. Also, the woman who does her insurance took her to the hospital and stayed with her throughout the procedure and then brought her home.
She plays head games with me. She will tell me how mean her older sister was to her (diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic); she would tell her she would give her a sweater and when my mother went to get it, she would just tell her to get out. But...then my mother does the same exact thing to me with a similar object.
To sum it up, she doesn't care one bit about me or who I am. Never asks. I go there on Sundays and do the things I have to do and feel sick just thinking about going there. She says she is lonely and needs company but just wants me to pick up the yard after Smokey and take out the garbage and anything else she needs done. I told her last Sunday my back was out and the first thing she said was "I guess I'm going to have to go out in the yard and pick up after Smokey" and hung up.
Not "What happened to your back?" I also have to call her, she refuses to call me.
I have gone to therapy about this and I have tried to explain my feelings to my mother, how I feel hurt by the things she says but she just gets furious and refuses to talk about it. My therapist (I've stopped seeing her) thinks it is because of her age and how she was brought up and that there is possibly a chance we could have a good relation. My problem is I have so much resentment towards her. She is not going to change. I don't think my therapist understood narcissistic personality disorder that much.
Growing up my mother said that my brother tried to rape her (ridiculous). He was 16 and walked by her to get his things after a fight. Then my brother was going to kill us all because he listened to the Doors song called The End. Yes, I can laugh about this now but this is a life-long ordeal and I really don't want to have anything to do with her but I will look like a horrible person because she will retaliate in some way (telling lies).
My question: Is it okay to just walk away from this relationship?
Whether or not you walk away from this relationship is something only you can decide. In addition, I have a few questions for you...first, who is this about, you or your mother? You can't be responsible for her behavior, yet you are giving her all this power over you...and you've been doing it for 45 years for goodness sake. Further, what in the world was your former therapist doing attempting to diagnose your mother second hand in order to explain away your behavior, feelings, state of mind, etc.? Not good therapy.
