Ask the Therapist
Impotence and Rage
I am a 36 year old female. I have been dating this guy for almost 6 months. We started off as platonic for about a month. Then after that time passed by he kissed me. He immediately informed me that he had a problem with erections (impotency). I told him that we could go get help together. At first he was reluctant. He told me that he had "learned to live with it". We started going to a sex therapist but living in Eastern Europe it seemed to be a little difficult to find a good one. The therapist suggested that my boyfriend had fear of commitment issues and immaturity. After several visits to the therapist he started to improve sexually. He was able to have sex in the morning with me all the time. But still in the evenings that was only possible sometimes.
I started to notice other problems. First off, when I would bug him or pester him to do things like put on his coat when it was cold he would fly into a rage. He would hit the wall with his fist or then he would break things like windows in the hallway. He once punched a window. And several times when we argued he would run out onto my balcony and threaten to jump. When I started to cry he would come back and hug me until I calmed down. When we argued he would threaten to leave me. He told me that he did not believe that he was cut out for relationships. He was afraid of me getting pregnant and that if I had a baby that he may run away from all of that. I asked him why? and he said he never saw himself as a father or a husband. But then he would calm down and go back to being a great boyfriend lets say 80 percent of the time.
I told this to the psychiatrist. He still did not change his diagnosis. He insisted that I was a dominant person and that maybe I was responsible for his rages. This really angered me because I have been very loving and supportive to my boyfriend for the most part. Sometimes I henpeck him but jeez who doesn't?
In January he voluntarily moved into my apartment. At that time things got really calm between us. He stopped threatening to leave and we stopped fighting at all.. Things were super. He even mentioned marriage and children as an option. He looked happy and content with life and with me.
Then all hell broke loose at the beggining of March. He started going out frequently. He would not tell me when he made his plans. So I was often caught sitting at home and waiting for him. We fought again. He just left me. Told me that he could not be in a relatioship ... that he wasn't meant for it.
I feel guilty? Could I have prevented this? Could a good therapist have helped? Was I right to think that the problem was way more serious than the therapists thought?
I will also add that he believes that there is a black cloud that sometimes follows him around and that it is a very bad omen. He wears religious items to ward off the evil. He also told me that he worked for the military (indeed he was a soldier at one time) however he now says he does covert operations for them and this is his excuse for being out alot.
can you help me understand?
I don't know that I can help you to understand or give you any insight into your boyfriend's behavior. I can say that he exhibits signs of being paranoid and delusional, maybe subject to what is referred to as magical thinking. In addition, impotence is an emotional affliction that is brought about by subconscious anxiety. What that anxiety might be and what triggers it is different for every man.
The rages and inconsistent behavior should be enough to alert you to the fact that this man is, if not disturbed, not altogether well organized emotionally. That should give you pause.
Further, that the therapist would blame you for his behavior is ludicrous. While your symbolic value within his personality structure might trigger a set of behaviors that are a consistent pattern of coping for him is one thing...but straight blame -- not a chance.
Think about how the relationship is serving you and if you feel that you deserve to be subject to this type of treatment and lack of regard. Go from there. And, none of it is your fault. This was all there long before you met him.
