Ask the Therapist
BPD and BDSM
I have a question concerning bpd. Could one of the bpd's main symptom be a compulsive need for participation in bdsm? My
boyfriend of 17 years, has an addiction to this. I thought that it was just a sex addiction. However, he is also showing at least 8 of the 9 symptoms of bpd along with the bdsm. After I found proof of his outside activities with bdsm he moved out. But he wants to go to counseling with me. He will not admit the bdsm activities even though I told him what I found. Can bdsm be a form of self injury or torture? I know in the past he would participate in this by himself. I found everything from rope to tie himself up to a small electro shock device he used on himself. It was the last 6 months of the relationship he took it outside the relationship I found a bdsm harness in his car one day. I also used to find whip marks on his back. I found a number to a bdsm dating service. And, I found the credit card bill where he charged the blocks of time with the bdsm service. He denied everything and said he planted everything for me to find because I was jealous and a snoop. He actually moved out because he said he had an affair. However, I checked his bank account and he pulled out $300 that day. That is the price for an hour and an half with a dominatrix.
Do you think that the bdsm activities help him cope with some sort of post traumatic
stress disorder?
We have been separated for 5 months now but we are seeing each other once a week. He acts like nothing happened. I truly believe that he has disassociated himself from the activity and any prior emotions he may have had about me when we were fighting. I've known him for 17 years. It's almost like I see a different personality. One who does not recall/remember this experience. When we go to counseling, he denies everything. The counselor said there is nothing she can do if he cannot admit this in session.
I think I know how to deal with him because I think I know what most of his issues are, but I am fascinated with the aspect of bdsm and how it relates to the bpd. I cannot find that much information on these subjects together. I would appreciate any insight you may have concerning this.
Let's see...yes and no. The self-injurious behavior associated with BPD is generally a gesture in a bid for attention. Although some BPs are genuinely suicidal (self-injurious behavior being a para-suicidal behavior), the intention of this aspect of BP is different than "hurting oneself". A subtle difference, but an important one.
The psychodynamic intention of masochism is less self-injurious, and more about power and control...specifically relinquishing control. S&M is most often thought of as a bid for reclaiming or relinquishing control in order to play out a past trauma, hyper-dominant Super-ego (the part of the ego that makes the rules) or fix some past trauma...I had a 48 yo patient who, upon coaxing his partner into playing out a submissive rape fantasy where he was the victim, was able to (1) process his submissive nature and activate his assertiveness, (2) work through and let go of having been incested by his brother at age 6, (3) heal his relationship with his brother, (4) diminish his taste for "kink" and (5) develop said taste for "kink" into a "healthier" aspect of his sex life....all within the space of 6 months, after having been a serious devotee of S&M for 30-odd years! The caveat here is that he made a conscious decision based on clear knowledge of his interior life...as your therapist notes, something that s/he can't force your partner to do...he's got to do it for himself.
Here's where it gets complicated. The fundamental nature of the relationships developed by BPs is socio-emotionally sado-masochistic. Could the desire to be involved in a physically sado-masochistic situation be a symbolic representation of this interior BP dynamic?...most assuredly. Could that SM relationship be an intentional aspect of the self-injurious tendencies of the BP...less likely, because the BP uses para-self-injurious and para-suicidal behavior as a manipulation -- you can't really exercise manipulation in a situation for which you are volunteering, yes?
