Ask the Therapist
BPD Friend and Abandonment
hi....I am at my wits end....my therapist feels my friend has bpd.....she fits at least 6 of the 8 criteria.....she sits home alot by herself with her pet......I feel she is depressed but puts a big front on too....my friend has been upset with me for 9 weeks....and of course it was something she said I did....my question is....if she was going to come back would she be back by now...or can the "black" splitting take weeks or months.....she got mad last fall and it was 6 weeks....my other BIG question is this....she has been wearing a "best friend" bracelet I gave her....6 WEEKS AGO SHE TOLD ME WHEN I SAW THAT SHE TOOK IT OFF I WOULD KNOW I WAS NO LONGER HER BEST FRIEND.....I saw her 5 days ago and she still had the bracelet on....WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU especially when she won't call, e-mail or come over but she will send me jokes on the computer.....(very impersonal)....is that a way to stay in contact....is she manipulating me.....does she still want the friendship and is afraid of being hurt....and last week I got a letter in the mail signed by "your real friends".....it was telling me that one of my friends is not a friend which I know is not true...I thought about it lots and the only mutual friend that this other friend and I have is my "best" friend.....I feel that she wrote it....do you think that is possible and why would she do something like that to me...what should I do....wait for her to come around which might never be or do I try to contact her....(I did try in the past and she pushed me away)....I don't want her to feel abandoned by me but I don't want to press her and push her away more....please help me....thank you...and please tell me what you think of the bracelet situation and the only contact is getting jokes on the computer.....she used to call me everyday.....
Firstly, it's irresponsible of your therapist to be making diagnoses of people with whom s/he has no direct contact. S/he might be very qualified, but her perspective is _your_ perspective -- always bear that in mind. Drawing conclusions or surmising how this person's behavior might be effecting you is appropriate, but making medical
judgments without first hand knowledge is something else entirely. That said...
The behavior your describing fits any number of situations. Without more information it would be impossible to say. So, let's focus on how this is effecting you. You care about this person, that is obvious. You are also giving her a great deal of power and seeking to blame it on her behavior, rather than taking responsibility for yourself. One of the most important things for any person to recognize is that we cannot be responsible for managing someone else feelings. You write, <snip> what should I do....wait for her to come around which might never be or do I try to contact her....(I did try in the past and she pushed me away)....I don't want her to feel abandoned by me but I don't want to press her and push her away more <snip>. You need to be responsible to yourself and, if being away from this person is hurting you, then you need to talk to her and tell her that. You don't know what she's thinking. If she truly is exhibiting some BP features, then pushing you away might be her way of saying come to me. It sounds ass-backwards, but it's the way borderline styles often work -- they are constantly testing your "abandonment quotient". There is a lovely little book you might want to read called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". It might provide some perspective for you.
Again, if you really want to hang onto the BPD thing, the "black" splitting as you call it can last hours or days or years, or it can cycle white, then flip or it can do any number of things. Don't hold your breath, take care of _you_.
As for the letters and the e mails and bracelet...again, typical of someone who pushes others away to "prove themselves right" about their own unworthiness, but seeks the attention of those same people.
Take your power back, operate from your own center and seek what _you_ want and need. Remember one of the most important things you can learn to do in developing a healthy emotional life is to say how you feel and ask for what you want and need. Here: hurt and friendship.
