Ask the Therapist
Relationship with Sufferer of the BPD
Hi, I'm so grateful to have found this site. I have been close friends with someone for over a year now who disclosed to me about 9 months ago that she was diagnosed with BPD several years ago. She has been in weekly therapy since. I have read up on this disorder and do see how it plays out in her life - although she seems to have received much help. About 2 months ago, her business (she's a counselor) really took off and she became very busy. We had been meeting twice a week for coffee and sometimes spending
Saturday together prior to this and she pursued the relationship as did I. What has happened since has left me totally baffled. I understand that it doesn't work to get together as often but now she rarely calls and when we do get together she is very detached. It was like night and day. When I brought it up she acknowledged that when she gets busy she becomes very distracted. She has told me that everything's ok between us (from her stand
point) and that she needs alot of alone time. Now I don't know how much to pursue the relationship. When I do pursue she's usually not available. I don't feel heard by her when I express my feelings about how the relationship has changed - she acts like we're still good friends. I feel shut out of her life and like I don't exist and am totally confused as to how we could be seeing things so differently. Any insight would be greatly appreciated as I highly value this relationship.
What's most important thing here is your state of mind and sense of well being. While you may value the relationship, you need to discern how the energy that you are _currently_ putting into it is serving you. One of the most prominent characteristics of BPD is the perception that everything is black and white. The borderline has great difficulty "multi-tasking". You are the center, work is secondary. Work picks up, you become secondary or tertiary...it will always be this way. Supposing you were to marry this woman, I will bet you a brand new bright shiny new dollar that as soon as your first child is born she will begin to completely ignore you. If she were to go back to work, the child would be raised by a nanny. Sounds cold, but it's the way a BP works.
As I said, your real concern here is whether or not you want to volunteer for this relationship and how it serves you to do so.
