Ask the Therapist
Depression, BPD and Dating
Dear Sir,
I was talking to a friend of mine the other night and she told me that she has been depressed for since she was 5 years
old at school. She's only 20 now. She talked about how almost every night she goes to bed she hopes she
doesn't wake up and when she does she thinks about killing her self but won't because she doesn't want her friends of family to find her. She has cheated on every person she has ever been in a relationship with in the quest to feel special. She is currently in a
relationship for a year but has cheated on him and feels that her boyfriend doesn't care about her enough. She only has male friends so she can be the
center of attention. She tells me she wants more female friends but when i step in she generally pushes me away, I am the only female she has around in her friends at all. She has dated 90% of all her friends (99% off all her friends are male) and she still hangs around all her exes generally
stringing them on enough so they don't date other people and only have eyes for her.
I just let her talk for about 1hr and 1/2 and by the end of the conversation she said it was all he parents fault, that they didn't care enough abut her and loved her sister more and made her feel bad. Her parents are divorced and she blames her dads leaving on not caring enough about her to stay.
She also says when we got out as a group of friends somewhere fun,
sometimes she will leave, go into the toilets and cry later coming out as nothing happened. she also says she drinks whenever out to try and block out all the feelings.
I told her that it seems like she could be suffering from depression and that she should look into getting some professional help, and i can help with finding some, but
that's all. (I m a youth worker, I am basically trained in how to sit and listen to people,
that's all!) and help them get things out that's all!)
She asked if i would go to the doctors with her to get some antidepressants, but after her past encounters with
counselors and therapists she's never going back. I think anti-depressants will help her but that she's unlikely to stick with them without some professional help backing her up and helping her work through the other issues she has. She said that someone once mentioned she might have a PD I went through the list with her and she
said she thinks it was BPD. Judging by her symptoms this is possible but she doesn't seem to have the extreme anger that most BPD suffers get.
I think it would be good if she was properly diagnosed by someone but I don't think
she would go for that after what she talked about the other day.
What is the best thing to do, I want to her to go for professional help but I don't want to push her away by telling her this anymore. I'd rather that she had someone to talk to that knows something about this then having no one. I
thought maybe if I giver her information on depression she would read it but being hypercritical of herself i think she would
look at the worst they say and diagnose herself as having no chance. She basically does that now.
Anyway I would like to know what you have to say.
Your friend is lucky to have someone like you in her life. You sound very grounded, know where you stand on things and understand your responsibilities and boundaries.
You sound pretty on target with your friend. I am not in a position to make a diagnosis, but she does sound depressed and her own acknowledgement of BPD is, in some ways, accurate. I would be more inclined to say she is depressed with some borderline features that are driven by a profound lack of self esteem. What you need to understand is that the "dark" side of a BP style does not necessarily manifest as anger...it can manifest as sadness. Anger and depression are two sides of the same coin especially in adolescents. One of my mantras and, as a youth worker, one you should take to heart is "show me a mad kid and I'll show you a sad kid".
Also, your friend's tendency to push you away is a cry for help. This is also a feature of the BPD style. She is testing your "abandonment quotient". Stick with her...it'll suck, but stay there. Her pursuit of men is an archetypal attempt to "fix" her relationship with her Dad - long conversation...if you want that explained, write back. Keeping them around is about her fear of abandonment, which goes back to the BPD style.
Blaming it all on her parents is a bit over-Freudian for me, despite my psychoanalytic training, but the dynamic, and it's consequences, that she describes is pretty typical. If she is a reader, have her read
"The Drama of the Gifted Child : The Search for the True Self"
by Alice Miller. If she is not, you read it, highlight it and give her the book suggesting she read the highlights. As a counselor, even a youth worker, you should read this, anyway.
As for meds, they may be helpful, but are only half the solution without therapy. They two are interdependent.
Keep at her, keep supporting her. She'll come around.
